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Toast Jam

January 23, 2008

My colleague J. has told me many times about his misfortunes on the toast line, and if I hadn’t seen it myself, I’d never have believed him.

Let’s step back.  I headed down to the company cafeteria for breakfast #2.  Breakfast #1 was an Atkins shake that I grabbed out of my fridge at 4:30am when I was hunting around the kitchen for infant Motrin.  IT Boy woke at 3:30 am most upset with the world.  He was screaming with his fingers in his mouth and was very warm to the touch (I can only assume it was a fever, because at that hour I was not putting the thermometer you-know-where to find out for sure.)  I never did find the Motrin, so Tylenol sufficed, and we never did get back to sleep.   By the time I got to the office, my stomach sounded like a pack of lions, and I knew I needed some sustenance.  Wheat toast with peanut butter sounded like just the ticket.

Once inside the cafeteria, I saw what J. has been talking about.  The Toast Jam.  The people who are all making toast at the same time who hoover around the communal toaster.  It’s not a pop up toaster, but one of those with a rotating rack that moves your toast and the toast of your 5-7 closest friends over and under a heating element.  Which is fine if you’re the only one waiting, but if not, you’re in for some serious issues.

The alpha creature in the pack was the “Toast Bully”.  A TB believes that only she knows how toast should be toasted, and stood there with tongs putting toast that was not hers back in the toaster, and fiddling with the intensity dial.  I heard about the “I know toast better than you do” attitude, but it was comical to see it live.  Granted, she wasn’t using her hands (J. has mentioned that some TBs do that – ewww) but still, people who didn’t stand vigil over the toaster got theirs cajun-style.  She makes sure that it’s not possible for you to get in with bread and get out with toast unnoticed and untouched.  She had competition from a male of the TB species, but he didn’t stand a chance against her, and they seemed to be having quite a discussion about what number on the dial makes the best toast (insert “Spinal Tap” 11 joke here). 

There were others hoovering around the male TB and the female TB, inserting hands at times when they thought their toast was coming out.  When I saw two people make a grab for the same English muffin and touch, I just turned away in disgust.  These are the things that you don’t have to deal with when you work at home.

After watching the pack get all ruffled up over warmed bread, I gave up the toast ghost and headed for the oatmeal instead.  No one was around, and I was able to take my time and put in all the raisins I wanted.  Breakfast heaven.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Barbara Gavin permalink
    January 23, 2008 12:59 pm

    Toast Love.

    I would love a toaster oven, so I could make grilled cheese sandwiches and grill my homemade wraps.

  2. The Toast Police permalink
    January 23, 2008 2:34 pm

    I was recently victimized by a Toast Bully myself, so I sympathize. Mine was more of the “can’t wait for someone who stepped away for THREE SECONDS to get a bottle of water” variety, so she was jamming the tongs into the back of the toaster to grab her own bread when BAM! Guess who ended up with her toast on the floor?!?

  3. Jenny "Don't Touch" Webb permalink
    January 23, 2008 3:41 pm

    Just the thought of all of these people breathing, probably sneezing or snotting, and touching the food utterly revolts me. It’s like a pack of wolves surrounding its prey!

  4. January 27, 2008 2:04 am

    I always suspected there were people who spent the whole day in that cafeteria, and I know they weren’t working (and weren’t some of them playing tiddliwinks or some old fashioned game?)

    Speaking of games, have you tried

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