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And now for something completely different

January 7, 2008

Dear friends and family,

Hi, it’s Ellen. How are ya?  The family is all doing great.  I’m writing this because I have a few things I really need to get off my chest.

You know those emails you keep sending me?  The ones about that kid with cancer in England who needs the get well cards to get into the Guiness Book, or the ones with the credit card scams?  How about that poem written by the terminally ill child that’s oh so sentimental.  I’m so happy that you want to keep in touch, but you need to understand a few things about how these things go down. 

First, before you send along an email about something that sounds not quite right, get thee immediately to snopes.com.  Also known as “The Urban Legend Reference Page”, this site can help you verify that what you are sending along is actually true.  That would save me from deciding whether or not to boycott Starbucks because they refused to send product to Iraq (they didn’t), if I should beware of the “life is beautiful” computer virus (there isn’t one) or if I should hit the road to find missing kids Evan Trembly or Ashley Flores (they’re not missing, and probably not even real).   Seriously, I still get a Craig Shergold message at least twice a year, and they’re just no excuse for that.   

I’ve also Googled things before, to see if they are scams or not, if I can’t find them in snopes.  That works too.

What if you’re sending a “Moms are special” or “You are a wonderful person because you’re my friend note”?  Don’t bother.  If you haven’t realized by now, I am a cynical beeyotch and will not appreciate these.  How many times do I have to say “No squishy!” before people believe me?

Chain letter?  I’ll hunt you down and shave your pets if you even think of saddling me with one of those karma-bombs. 

Now, let’s say you have a really funny joke, picture or video you think I will enjoy.  I do get these every once in a while, and have been known to appreciate them.  For instance, my dad sent me one on a particular political candidate today that gave me great joy.  Go ahead, give it a try.  But do me one favor tho – delete all the “forward” stuff at the beginning of the email.  I don’t feel very special if I see this has been forwarded by about 20 other people to 250 addresses.  I don’t want to be a cog in the machine, you see.  I want to think this was just for me.  Plus, if I have to page down more than 6 times, I probably will delete the message altogether.   If I can get in, laugh, and get out in under a minute, it is a beautiful thing indeed.

Love, your email buddy,

Ellen

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 8, 2008 3:13 pm

    Every time you make a cynical blog posting, an angel loses its wings, plummets to the Earth, and lands on a box of puppies.

    Did you know that if you get 500 comments to one of your blog postings, Google and Bill Gates will each donate $20 million dollars to the WWF?

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